Oscars: Arabs Did Not Win, But Lesbians Did

I watched the 2011 Oscars to see if Incendies or Outside the Law would win. Neither won. While watching I couldn't help but notice the fashion. Being a giving person, I thought I'd share a few observations. 

Best dressed of the evening goes to Mila Kunis. Lavender, lace, and swagger did the trick. It was almost lewd when she licked her lips for the 10th time and bent over while giving away the Oscar for the best supporting actress, but she managed to wurk it.

When Kunis was giving out the award, she snuck in that she hoped Natalie Portman would win best actress. Nice, right?

Natalie Portman did get the award for best actress, in her acceptance speech she thanked everyone in the world: "those who are invisible to the world but mean so much to the making of a movie." She thanked the people who did her hair and makeup, camera operator, 1st assistant, etc BUT she did not thank Mila Kunis, her costar. What happened?

Portman is now married to the choreographer from the film. So I wonder if maybe Kunis told the choreographer that Natalie enjoyed the lesbian scenes a little too much? Kunis would know. Check her out in this clip:

Then there were the hosts: James Franco and Anne Hathaway. They called it "The Year of the Lesbian." I guess I wasn't totally off base when I called it the Year of the Arab Diaspora. (Inside joke: that the Arab diaspora is full of lesbians.) Franco and Hathaway read the script that said:
The Kid's Are Alright: Lesbians!
Black Swan: Dancing Lesbians!
Toy Story: Where's the Dad?!

Not too much later Anne Hathaway showed up on stage with her hair in a ponytail wearing a men's suit tailored for her body with enormous stilettos. It looked fabulous. Then Franco came out dressed as Marilyn Monroe and the illusion was ruined: they were making fun of gender bending. Or camping it up. Whatever. The dude entering the frame killed my buzz. Come to think of it, Hathaway has dressed in a suit on a number of other occasions, and it always looks wonderful.

Another bit of scandal involving lovely ladies and a hot dress. Halle Berry and Hilary Swank were wearing the identical dress. Well, not identical, but very very similar. How embarrassing for them. Which leads me to ask "who wore it best?" Clearly the winner is Halle Berry. Berry, being the more attractive, elfish, curvy, and dreamy of the two. When she gave a speech recognizing Lena Horne's contribution to film, she got visibly emotional and so did everyone watching.

Another amazing dress, which is oddly similar to Berry and Swank's is Hailee Steinfeld's. She looked adorable and, I hate to say it, age appropriate. Her headband only works because she is actually 14. The dress made her look like a live action Disney princess.

WORST DRESSED

Scarlett Johansson, you are unstoppably hot. You know you are hot. So why in the world are you dressed like a mobster's wife from 1982? You do not need to look cheap to look sexy. The lace overlay that appears as though it could be removed and would then strategically reveal parts of your naked body? The tousled just-had-sex hair? No. No!

What is happening with the neck line of this dress? Is that fabric creeping up your neck, not like a turtle neck dress, but only part of the way up, like a mock-neck? The mock-neck was spotted elsewhere too. Fashion police: please stop this trend. The ladies must be rescued from its terrible clutches. 









Amy Adams is also wearing the dreaded mock neck. Except her dress also has little mock-sleeves. I was relieved when she stood up, that we were spared the mock length that could have lurked beneath. Amy Adams, if you are going to wear such a dress, please do not wear a necklace that clashes with the neckline. And please wear your hair up! The dress has created the optical illusion that you have removed half of your neck, now at least show the exposed part of it. Even Amy's face looked squished by this unfortunate dress.

Reese Witherspoon looks like a bridesmaid. In a dress off of the discount rack! One week after prom I've seen this dress on sale at Fairweather for $19.99. And her bouffant faux ponytail? Please get her off of the stage.




Marissa Tomei: A natural beauty for sure. But. Well. Here's how it is: a sweetheart neck line with thick straps is okay for your cousin Vinney's wedding, but for the Oscars you might want to get the dress tailored so it fits and maybe wear some jewelery. From the waste down, the dress is lovely. It's too bad I insist on looking at people's head and shoulders.

Gwyneth Paltrow, I realize you are a rake, but your heavy Calvin Klein sequence gold dress combined with your painfully flat hair accentuated the 90s silhouette. I am here to tell you firmly: the heroin chic look has been over for a decade. And it won't be retro for another two decades. And Gwyneth, when you go to the Oscars, can you get your dress steamed first? Somehow you managed to get this one all wrinkled.





Nicole Kidman is a woman of impeccable style. Excellent actress. Obviously a closeted lesbian. Why is that gorgeous gown sullied by the likes of a giant hip ruffle? Either the hip ruffle was badly placed on her tall frame or the fabric was too stiff, making it stuck out in every direction.

Jennifer Lawrence looks like she is wearing a bathing suit borrowed from the TV show Baywatch. It is hideous and far too casual. She is channeling Christina Applegate from when she was on the 1980s TV show Married with Children. Is Lawrence afraid of fancy clothes, fancy hair, and fancy accessories? Or is she doing this for the men?





MEN

In the interest of gender parity. Can we talk for a minute about James Franco's face?

Why so pale? Put some makeup on the man who is co-hosting the entire show. The rings under his eyes make him look like he has a serious chronic illness. I can't find any clear images of this online, because, of course, gender parity does not exist in Hollywood.

And Jude Law's bow tie was crooked. Come on men. You don't have too many variables to work with. You can at least make them impeccable. And that makes me think of the men who try to add too many variables. Like Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin wearing matching white jackets while presenting an award. It looked silly.

Finally, please, please do not have an enormous bushy beard when you make your appearance. It's kind of gross looking. Especially if your beard is a different shade than the hair on your head. We don't want to know that about you, Christian Bale.

I can not end this post with the puke worthy image of Bale's beard.

Cate Blanchett! She is the second runner up to Mila Kunis for best dressed. Long before she presented an award, she showed up several times in the audience. When she was sitting down all that was visible were huge shoulders. Large shoulders are a trend that should come back: they are tough and hot looking and, do I even need to spell it out: very lesbian!

Everyone is in awe of the uniqueness of Blanchett's dress. I agree that the Oscars have not seen anything like it before. But that's because the dress was in her wardrobe for Lord of the Rings. It is the dress Galadriel, the Elf Queen, never had a chance to wear. Ethereal and bold. Just what a Queen needs for a night out, where there may be some fighting in Middle Earth later.  I even like the neck line: it's has a round neck, not a mockneck. Take notes from her, leading ladies.

And since, some of you really really need to take notes. Here's a sketch of Hathaway's well put together gear for the night.