Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscars: Arabs Did Not Win, But Lesbians Did

I watched the 2011 Oscars to see if Incendies or Outside the Law would win. Neither won. While watching I couldn't help but notice the fashion. Being a giving person, I thought I'd share a few observations. 

Best dressed of the evening goes to Mila Kunis. Lavender, lace, and swagger did the trick. It was almost lewd when she licked her lips for the 10th time and bent over while giving away the Oscar for the best supporting actress, but she managed to wurk it.

When Kunis was giving out the award, she snuck in that she hoped Natalie Portman would win best actress. Nice, right?

Natalie Portman did get the award for best actress, in her acceptance speech she thanked everyone in the world: "those who are invisible to the world but mean so much to the making of a movie." She thanked the people who did her hair and makeup, camera operator, 1st assistant, etc BUT she did not thank Mila Kunis, her costar. What happened?

Portman is now married to the choreographer from the film. So I wonder if maybe Kunis told the choreographer that Natalie enjoyed the lesbian scenes a little too much? Kunis would know. Check her out in this clip:

Then there were the hosts: James Franco and Anne Hathaway. They called it "The Year of the Lesbian." I guess I wasn't totally off base when I called it the Year of the Arab Diaspora. (Inside joke: that the Arab diaspora is full of lesbians.) Franco and Hathaway read the script that said:
The Kid's Are Alright: Lesbians!
Black Swan: Dancing Lesbians!
Toy Story: Where's the Dad?!

Not too much later Anne Hathaway showed up on stage with her hair in a ponytail wearing a men's suit tailored for her body with enormous stilettos. It looked fabulous. Then Franco came out dressed as Marilyn Monroe and the illusion was ruined: they were making fun of gender bending. Or camping it up. Whatever. The dude entering the frame killed my buzz. Come to think of it, Hathaway has dressed in a suit on a number of other occasions, and it always looks wonderful.

Another bit of scandal involving lovely ladies and a hot dress. Halle Berry and Hilary Swank were wearing the identical dress. Well, not identical, but very very similar. How embarrassing for them. Which leads me to ask "who wore it best?" Clearly the winner is Halle Berry. Berry, being the more attractive, elfish, curvy, and dreamy of the two. When she gave a speech recognizing Lena Horne's contribution to film, she got visibly emotional and so did everyone watching.

Another amazing dress, which is oddly similar to Berry and Swank's is Hailee Steinfeld's. She looked adorable and, I hate to say it, age appropriate. Her headband only works because she is actually 14. The dress made her look like a live action Disney princess.


Scarlett Johansson, you are unstoppably hot. You know you are hot. So why in the world are you dressed like a mobster's wife from 1982? You do not need to look cheap to look sexy. The lace overlay that appears as though it could be removed and would then strategically reveal parts of your naked body? The tousled just-had-sex hair? No. No!

What is happening with the neck line of this dress? Is that fabric creeping up your neck, not like a turtle neck dress, but only part of the way up, like a mock-neck? The mock-neck was spotted elsewhere too. Fashion police: please stop this trend. The ladies must be rescued from its terrible clutches. 

Amy Adams is also wearing the dreaded mock neck. Except her dress also has little mock-sleeves. I was relieved when she stood up, that we were spared the mock length that could have lurked beneath. Amy Adams, if you are going to wear such a dress, please do not wear a necklace that clashes with the neckline. And please wear your hair up! The dress has created the optical illusion that you have removed half of your neck, now at least show the exposed part of it. Even Amy's face looked squished by this unfortunate dress.

Reese Witherspoon looks like a bridesmaid. In a dress off of the discount rack! One week after prom I've seen this dress on sale at Fairweather for $19.99. And her bouffant faux ponytail? Please get her off of the stage.

Marissa Tomei: A natural beauty for sure. But. Well. Here's how it is: a sweetheart neck line with thick straps is okay for your cousin Vinney's wedding, but for the Oscars you might want to get the dress tailored so it fits and maybe wear some jewelery. From the waste down, the dress is lovely. It's too bad I insist on looking at people's head and shoulders.

Gwyneth Paltrow, I realize you are a rake, but your heavy Calvin Klein sequence gold dress combined with your painfully flat hair accentuated the 90s silhouette. I am here to tell you firmly: the heroin chic look has been over for a decade. And it won't be retro for another two decades. And Gwyneth, when you go to the Oscars, can you get your dress steamed first? Somehow you managed to get this one all wrinkled.

Nicole Kidman is a woman of impeccable style. Excellent actress. Obviously a closeted lesbian. Why is that gorgeous gown sullied by the likes of a giant hip ruffle? Either the hip ruffle was badly placed on her tall frame or the fabric was too stiff, making it stuck out in every direction.

Jennifer Lawrence looks like she is wearing a bathing suit borrowed from the TV show Baywatch. It is hideous and far too casual. She is channeling Christina Applegate from when she was on the 1980s TV show Married with Children. Is Lawrence afraid of fancy clothes, fancy hair, and fancy accessories? Or is she doing this for the men?


In the interest of gender parity. Can we talk for a minute about James Franco's face?

Why so pale? Put some makeup on the man who is co-hosting the entire show. The rings under his eyes make him look like he has a serious chronic illness. I can't find any clear images of this online, because, of course, gender parity does not exist in Hollywood.

And Jude Law's bow tie was crooked. Come on men. You don't have too many variables to work with. You can at least make them impeccable. And that makes me think of the men who try to add too many variables. Like Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin wearing matching white jackets while presenting an award. It looked silly.
Finally, please, please do not have an enormous bushy beard when you make your appearance. It's kind of gross looking. Especially if your beard is a different shade than the hair on your head. We don't want to know that about you, Christian Bale.
I can not end this post with the puke worthy image of Bale's beard.

Cate Blanchett! She is the second runner up to Mila Kunis for best dressed. Long before she presented an award, she showed up several times in the audience. When she was sitting down all that was visible were huge shoulders. Large shoulders are a trend that should come back: they are tough and hot looking and, do I even need to spell it out: very lesbian!

Everyone is in awe of the uniqueness of Blanchett's dress. I agree that the Oscars have not seen anything like it before. But that's because the dress was in her wardrobe for Lord of the Rings. It is the dress Galadriel, the Elf Queen, never had a chance to wear. Ethereal and bold. Just what a Queen needs for a night out, where there may be some fighting in Middle Earth later.  I even like the neck line: it's has a round neck, not a mockneck. Take notes from her, leading ladies.

And since, some of you really really need to take notes. Here's a sketch of Hathaway's well put together gear for the night.


  1. The favourites for me would have to be both Jennifer Hudson and Sandra Bullock - I love love love the fab, red dresses they wore. And Cate Blanchett, who I normally adore, was just so disappointing.

    I surprisingly really enjoyed the children's choir singing at the end. I normally don't like the sound of children singing (I must be some kind of monster).

    And it really was nice to see Halle Berry pay such beautiful tribute to Lena Horne. It was also good because I hope it reminded people that there are non-white actors and actresses who do amazing work. Was it just me, or was it otherwise a sea of whiteness?

  2. My cable committed suicide when Celine took the stage, so I didn't get to see all of the Oscars this year.

    Yes! To Anne Hathaway in a tux!

    I agree that Mila Kunis totally rocked it. She is often someone I look forward to seeing, and rarely disappoints.

    I also agree about the "mock-necks". They aren't overly flattering, especially given improper accessory distribution. The only way those necks are appropriately worn on Oscar night is invisibly.

    Xtina, I didn't care for Jennifer Hudson's dress, though. Pretty much for the same reason Nicole Kidman is criticized above. What is with the extraneous fabric at the hip? It's much less offensive than Kidman's, but still pretty useless.

    When I first saw Bale's beard, I wanted to puke all over my TV screen. But then I heard him give his acceptance speech and it all made sense: IRONY! He was being ironic!

    Irony: The size of his ego could never be hidden by half-hearted attempts at humility, so he makes jokes like: "What a room full of talented and inspirational people. What am I doing here?”. Are we really supposed to believe he meant that? No! Of course not! HE doesn't even think anyone fell for that. The beard HAS to be a mere prop in this rouse.

    Also, I didn't know Batman cried. Like, ever.

  3. I'm interested in your take on Cate Blanchette -- To me, her dress looked like that of a swiss milk-maid. But maybe I'm being too harsh.

    I have a soft spot in my heart for Christian Bale. For me, he is always Laurie from Little Women.

    And I have to admit - I liked the matching suits on Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin. Maybe because I think they are both so handsome? Maybe because I hoped they would break out into a tap-dancing duet? Maybe both.

    Now - while I'm all for judging dresses (it's all in good fun) -- I have to say that I was supremely disappointed with some of the wins.

    I was definitely pulling for Javier Bardem to win best actor, but was OK with Colin Firth because he is Mr. Darcy and I love Mr. Darcy. Also, I kindif liked The King;s Speech.

    But Natalie Portman -- I saw Black Swan, and was not all that impressed with her in it. While I haven't seen Winter's Bone, I have seen bits and it looks to me like Jennifer Lawrence was pretty good. And I always love Annette Benning.

    As for Anne Hathaway -- I loved the suit stuff, but I don't know about her as a host - or James Franco for that matter. I thought he was pretty boring, and seemed high. As for Anne, as a friend of mine put it, she seemed to give off the air that the night was all about *her*. I'm still on the fence though.

  4. Also - Did anyone else think Natalie Portman's earrings looked like tassels on curtains?

  5. Thanks for updating the blog in an attempt to offset the stale taste of vomit!

    Xtina, I agree that Bale will always be Laurie (and that's why, even though I was hard on him, I will still look at old pictures on google of him for hours). BUT Laurie didn't have that huge, gross beard!

    I like Natalie Portman and I liked her in Black Swan. Best of the year, however? Probably not. I think, in some ways, Mila Kunis upstaged her in the film. And she wasn't even nominated for supporting actress...

    I liked most of Cate Blanchett's dress, but I know there have been mixed reviews on it. I liked the front of it A LOT, but I didn't care for the green on the back...but I do appreciate how it is described above (as something straight out of middle earth!).

  6. What are you guys talking about? Bale will always be Jack "Cowboy" Kelly from Newsies! And if you're the staunch unionists you say you are, this role should have immediately popped into your head. Especially, you, Xtina, because that's the movie where Bale also dances.